Bizarro Post Sports Bureau- Today on "From the Mouths of Babes", we ask Little League 3rd baseman Jimmy Florence, 10, about his take on the A-Rod juicing scandal.
Bizarro Post: Thank you for taking a break from "Call of Duty: Modern Facestabber 3" to speak to us.
Jimmy Florence: I was playing "Battleplain 3", idiot.
BP: So Alex Rodriguez is facing some serious penalties for using steroids. What do you think about that?
JF: I don't like cheaters. That's forgetting the important part about basball.
BP: And what would that be?
JF: Having fun and teamwork. That's all that's important.
BP: Wait, I'm sorry, what?
JF: Having fun is what's important!
BP: Jimmy, do you get paid to help your team win games?
JF: I get pizza sometimes. And coach buys ice cream when we win!
BP: Wow, you know what A-Rod got? Millions of goddamn dollars, that's what. You know why he got all that money?
JF: I don't kn--
BP: "To have fun", right wiseass? Here's a reality check that I hope your tiny, undeveloped brain can process: MLB players get paid to win. Not have fun. Not for teamwork. If they're not pulling their weight, their ass is grass. If they're not pulling in the fans, they're job is finished. If their jerseys aren't flying out of the Footlockers, they're worth approximately jack shit. So tell me again, Tiny Tim, what makes your perspective on any of this valid?
JF: You're the one who called me!
BP: No, my chief editor called you. And I called HIM an asshole. You know what I need to do MY job? Zoloft, Xanax, Five Hour Energy Drinks every two hours, and enough Jack Daniels to get three hours of sleep. Who gives a goddamn if some guy ruins his heart and shrinks his junk to be a better athlete? You know why he's doing it?
JF: N-n-no, sir.
BP: To entertain you. To entertain all you little ingrates who want the best, and you want it now, and you don't care how you get it. But yeah, kid. Throw the man under the bus if it makes you feel powerful, makes you feel like the good guy. But I'll bet when Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez, and Mark McGuire were hitting them out of the park hundreds of times a season--I bet you cheered. I bet you clapped, and felt a sense of pride that our great American past-time was still pushing the boundaries of human endurance.
You held that needle, Jimmy. You and everyone else pushed the plunger. And when you were done with them, you tied the noose. And when I finally put that shotgun in my closet under my jaw, it'll be you that pulls the trigger, Jimmy Florence.
You.
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Join us next time on "From the Mouths of Babes" for some more wild and wacky words of wisdom from our nation's youth!
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