Bizarro Ozark, MO (BP)- A 16-year-old boy who fell from an overpass and broke his spine found himself healed in a miraculous act of heroism. His savior was not an EMT or a skilled spinal surgeon. In fact, it was two police officers doing their duty to protect the public.
Drivers noticed M. Hutchinson walking down the side of a busy road, oblivious to the traffic zipping by at 50-miles-per-hour just feet away.
"He wasn't drunk or anything, that I could see. He seemed really upset, though," said a Nancy Wetherbee, who called 911. "I just wanted to stop him from hurting himself, or causing an accident."
By the time police arrived, Ms. Wetherbee's worst fears had already been realized. Hutchinson lay at the base of an overpass, having apparently fallen or jumped off. His back and heel were broken by the impact, and the agony left him moaning and delirious. Officer Frye Bacon and his partner, Officer Ouda Compton, approached the crumpled body.
"We ordered the subject to get to his feet several times, but he refused," said Officer Bacon. "We determined that he was a deadly threat to the free world, and we deployed our non-lethal defense cudgels."
Non-lethal defense cudgels, known commonly as "nightsticks", are designed to disable (alleged) lawbreaking degenerates with generous applications of blunt force trauma.
For the next ten minutes, the responding officers beat Hutchinson with blows driven by their undying love of American justice. At one point, unbeknownst to either men, the displaced vertebrae in Hutchinson's spine was pushed back into place. The teen was not out of the woods yet. Though the bone structure was restored, Hutchinson's damaged nervous system couldn't reach anything below his waist.
Meanwhile, according to police reports, the teen began cursing at the officers.
Officer Compton recommended a change in tactics. "No matter how many times I struck him in the groin, he wouldn't comply with our commands. And then he started saying stuff like, 'Stop hitting me you asshole! I can't feel my legs!'"
Compton's face goes red as he remembers, his chubby fingers clenching and unclenching. "I was like, 'Okay. Time to ride the lightning, you little shit.'"
Both officers drew their tasers and fired 19 times, no longer shouting commands.
"He wasn't talking shit then," said Officer Bacon. "I was a big man. I WAS SUCH A BIG GODDAMN MAN."
The constant application of voltage was just the thing Hutchinson needed. Not only did feeling return to his lower body, but he was finally able to stand. After being frisked and cuffed, an EMT was called to remove the taser barbs in accordance with police standards. When the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics were in for a shock.
"We found the officers on the scene, sweaty and spent," said EMT Ben Dover. "When the suspect described his symptoms to me, it became clear that something very serious had happened to his spinal column."
Hutchinson was transported to a nearby hospital, where it was discovered that he had suffered severe spinal trauma--all of which had been rectified by the actions of the Officers Bacon and Compton.
"It's amazing," said Dr. Rex Sever. "I don't know how those officers learned to treat spinal injuries, but they couldn't have done a better job."
The Chief of Police agreed, granting the hero officers a month of paid leave. Hutchinson is expected to be released from the hospital soon and face charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Cursing Allowance Empowers Young Writers
Bizarro Monroe, SC (BP)- Creative Writing students at Monroe High School were surprised and delighted when teacher John Walters confirmed that, yes, it was acceptable to curse in their writing.
"I feel so goddamn liberated!" said student Cynthia Leigh.
The teacher's new policy had immediate and dramatic effects on the pieces being turned in. Word counts nearly doubled, dialogue replaced stilted descriptions, and students became more invested in peer reviews.
"Holy shit, man! I love workshop day!" said aspiring poet Shaun Foley. "I'm always finding badass new ways to fucking curse!"
Walters was encouraged at first, but the compelling results came with a price.
"I wanted to give them complete creative freedom, to let them spread their wings," said Walters, drinking something from a coffee mug even though the only coffee machine in school was in the teacher's lounge and it had been broken for weeks. "I thought they would get it out of their system, but it's only gotten more ridiculous by the day."
For example, Walters provided us with a sample from Haiku Day:
Henry "Bitchslapper" Webster
That fuckin' flower
Waves in the wind or some shit
Bitches love flowers
"I don't really know what to do," Walters groaned, his hands pressed to his face in sorrow. "The principal wants me to start putting classwork up in the hallway to improve morale, I have to explain to parents why their kids aren't bringing home things to put on the fridge. And the class is dead set on entering the 2012 Young Writer Showdown. I'm screwed."
But anyone can see that Mr.Walters' Freshman Creative Writing kids are humming with creative energy. Shattered are the cruel chains of puritan oppression. Every child is undergoing a personal renaissance, escaping from the oppressive dark ages to challenge a world that scowls upon empowerment through art. The Bizarro Post has taken up the task of distributing the works offered for publication by Walters' students. We've stapled them to telephone poles, nailed them to church doors, and hot glued them to stray animals (and animals we assumed were stray) in an act of subversive guerrilla publishing that we are sure our favorite young authors would approve of.
The world will see the glory of your tutelage, Mr. Walters. On behalf of everyone at The Bizarro Post, you're welcome.
NSA Puppy Parade
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- In attempt to repair tense public relations and increase national morale, the NSA have combed their catalog of intercepted data for pictures of adorable puppies and made them available online.
"We've got sleepy huskies, happy puggles, and every single breed of dog crossbred with corgis. My favorite one is the malamute corgi," said Agent __________ __________.
Critics have noted that the exif data is still intact on the files, which compromises the safety and privacy of pictures that were intended for friends and family. Since the pictures were grabbed directly from the photographer's cell
"But the puppies are really cute," said Haley Wilson, a teacher from Bizarro Madison, Wisconsin. "And you can search by all kinds of photo tags. My favorite one is 'guilty faces', the way they've got the puppies sitting next to a trashcan they tipped over and looking at the floor. They know what they did wrong! Yes they did! Yesh they dyiiiiddd!"
No comments:
Post a Comment