"I didn't understand what I was doing wrong," said Howard. "All the movies said that the nice guy got the girl in the end, and I was the nicest guy ever. I never pressured girls, I was chivalrous, I did everything right. And all I got were friends. Not even with benefits."
Howard's situation is far from rare. Many online communities have so many nice guys bemoaning their misfortune, they have to quarantine them in into separate sub-forums--usually on the pretense of creating a separate place to discuss "Relationship Problems" or "My Little Pony Fandom". Social media has provided a never-ending stream of examples for those who find themselves fascinated with Friend Zone inhabitants. Not only was Howard aware of his status, he was well-versed on the shameful implications of his situation.
"It's like having herpes, and everyone just assume you got it from being promiscuous," said Howard. "People would come to me for computer help, or turn to me for the questions about Star Trek and Dr.Who at bar trivia nights."
Negative connotations involved with Friend Zone entrapment did not help matters. But as bad as Howard had it, many other men lived in an even grimmer district of The Friend Zone.
Self-Destruction for Seduction
Francis Lee, 22, was something of a celebrity at the famed New York University campus. The young man was wealthy beyond his years thanks to a pair of generous business mogul parents, and his grades earned him regular appearances on the Dean's List. His fame, or infamy, had nothing to do with his background or achievements. In fact, the buzz was born on Facebook.
Carla Moore's birthday brought well wishers to her Facebook page just in time to witness something few would ever forget. A photograph was posted early that morning featuring Moore posing next to a new Mercedes wrapped in a giant novelty bow.
"OMG!" wrote Carla in the caption line. "Francis Lee is the best friend anyone can have!"
"Glad u like it! call me sometime. u know my #!" replied Francis.
Subsequent reports suggest that she did not, in fact, call him. After an investigation my Carla's bemused friends, they found that Francis had been purchasing extravagant gifts for years with the clear intent of seducing the source of his infatuation. When the screenshots of his unrequited acts of love went viral, many bitter nerds accused Carla of being clueless. Recent candid statements made to our Meme Bureau suggest otherwise.
"I know, I know. I've tried sitting him down before and explaining how I felt. But he refuses to let go. Plus, free stuff."
Each year, it's estimated that millions of dollars are spent on gifts intended to break through The Friend Zone's steely grip. Hallmark has even begun a new line of cards targeting this market--featuring clever quips such as this one:
"I'm not a stalker! No, I'm not crazy! You know my number, so call me maybe!"
Financial analysts predict grim consequences for the marathon woo-ers, likening the compulsive spending and need for any positive attention to a drug addict's struggle with dependency. Francis Lee sent himself into a financial and academic free-fall that ultimately lead to his academic suspension and disappearance into the solitude of his parent's home.
Self-Discovery and Deliverance
Before Howard Loftus could be drawn into the life-destroying vacuum that claimed Francis Lee, the young man decided to take action.
"I had accepted that my behavior was fine, and that the outside world was to blame for my problems," said Howard. "One day I decided that maybe, just maybe, it was all me. So I started reading."
Howard turned to his campus library and articles by sociologists and other credentialed experts to determine the nature of human relationships--and the ways in which he might be misinterpreting the language of the heart. Based on his research, Howard came up with three "Home Truths" that would redefine his perception of society.
1. "First of all, I realized that my sole motivation for being a Nice Guy was to coerce women into fulfilling my selfish desires despite having nothing to offer in return."
Many men in The Friend Zone have interests that are juvenile and unbecoming of adults. Some have no ambitions, hobbies, or obvious talents. No amount of kindness can change the fact that such a person would be a terrible parent and an unreliable provider.
What's more, their entire intention is deception and manipulation. Just as a predator might lure children into a van with the promise of candy, Nice Guys begrudgingly set aside their misanthropy to feign happiness and mental stability.
"It's cruel to subject anyone to that," said Howard. "To imply that you want to be their friend when you're just trying to exploit them. Isn't that the reason everyone hates Congressmen?"
2. "If I don't have the confidence to make my intentions clear, I have no business trying to be in a relationship."
Howard realized that, like so many others in The Friend Zone, he could never bring himself to say anything to a woman that might result in rejection.
"I didn't love myself. I hated myself, actually. If I had no interest in being near me 24-7, how could I expect anyone else to feel differently?"
Medical professionals are paid to help people become comfortable in their own skin, but the average person with no medical training can't piece your broken psyche back together. What right does anyone have to demand a stranger enrich their dull, listless existence?
"If you learn one word in your journey to know yourself, that word should be 'obligation'. The world isn't obligated to give you the things actors get on TV just for wearing the white hat and stopping the bad guys. People aren't obligated to be your friend or interact with you in any way. The world owes you nothing. Thinking otherwise can lead to dangerous and anti-social behavior."
3. "One big issue I kept running from was right there in the bathroom mirror. I was ugly. Plain and simple."
Allowing someone to become intertwined with every aspect of your life is a massive commitment that should never be taken lightly. You have to introduce this person to your parents, and then your entire family. Your friends and coworkers will see you with this person all the time. Do you want to take a man-boobed, neck-bearded man home to meet your cynical father? Do you want to take a gross chick with giant gums, a muffin top, and a mustache to dinner with your friends? I thought not.
Dating an ugly person is like running a meth empire from your basement. You can play at normalcy for awhile, you can explain away some of the weird smells that won't come out of the furniture, but eventually everyone is going to figure out that you've welcomed a very undesirable element into your life out of sheer desperation.
"I was born with a hare lip, so I can't expect anyone to want to be seen with me. And I completely understand. Looking at it from an empathetic angle, I've got no right to be mad over their rejection."
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If you're one of those unfortunate fellows trapped in The Friend Zone, fear not! A happy life is not beyond your reach!
Shortly after our initial interview, Howard decided to become prison-gay. He met a 45-year-old bear named Hank on Craigslist, and eventually became his live-in boyfriend.
"He appreciates my youth and willingness to....try new things. I appreciate any human contact whatsoever. One hand washes the other. I'm not happy, but this is the closest I'll ever get. And you know what? That's okay. That's just okay."
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