Man Loses Weight, Still Ugly
Bizarro Birmingham, AL (BP)- Richard Wright, 34, is used to getting critical stares in public, being jeered behind his back, and being terminally single. For most of his life, food was his only friend.
"The sugar, the salt, I couldn't get enough. It was a high," said Wright. "It was when I reached 300 pounds that I knew it had gone too far."
And so, without the money for surgical remedies, Wright took his first step down a long and difficult road to reclaim his dignity the old-fashioned way. Candy and desserts were forbidden. Every day the menu was restricted to oatmeal, fruits, vegetables, and a baked chicken breast for dinner.
"Giving up the bad foods wasn't that bad. I mean, if you prepare healthy stuff the right way it can taste great. But the exercise was what got to me," Wright explained.
Swallowing his self-consciousness, Wright joined Platinum Gym to use their cardio machines. It wasn't long before he was asked to leave by the gym's manager.
"He seemed as embarrassed as I was when he asked me to leave. He told me that some female members were creeped out. I mean, I never made eye contact with anyone. My eyes were on the floor the whole time, because I didn't want to see people watch me struggle to do basic exercises."
When asked for comment, the Platinum Gym manager, Brock Deadlift, shook his head. "I'll never judge a person who's making an honest effort, and I could see that he was. The first few complaints got dismissed, because I knew he was just minding his own business. But eventually they hit corporate, and it was out of my hands."
Wright took his workout home, doing the best he could with makeshift weights created with a duffle bag and socks filled with gravel. Though Wright was cynical about the primitive fitness system's effectiveness, months of tireless effort suddenly began to pay off. Muscles filled out in his arms, and his belly and thighs melted away.
"I'll never forget the first time I saw that faint six-pack," said Wright, patting his stomach.
His devotion to fitness didn't stop when he achieved a normal weight and BMI. With a strict adherence to his regimen, Wright was soon swole as all hell.
"Yeah, he looks like a friggin pro-wrestler now," said Richard's father, Stan Wright. "If he put on one of them Mexican wrestler masks, he could probably pull some tail."
Richard's neighbors took notice too. Clarissa Splainsinall, 33, has lived across the hall from Richard's apartment for three years.
"I've seen him going out to swim laps, no shirt and everything. He's really pulled it together," said Splainsinall.
When asked about potential chemistry with the new and improved Richard Wright, Clarissa clenched her teeth before responding. "Look, I mean, he's a lot healthier now. But Steve Buscemi isn't fat either, and well--you know--it is how it is."
Continued lack of luck with the ladies hasn't gotten Wright down, though.
"I love this body, you know. It's what every man secretly dreams of," mumbled Wright, who spent much of our interview staring down at his mighty pectoral muscles as he twitched them manually. "I'm great. Just really awesome. Life is everything I want it to be. And if the brim on my hat is big enough, nobody can see my face anyway."
UPDATE: The coroner believes that Richard Wright, who was found deceased at his home shortly after this report was filed, intentionally hoisted a massive bag of landscaping gravel above his head using a homemade pulley system before dropping it.
"The face was obliterated, and there were no fingerprints on file. Based on his genetic profile, I can say with absolute certainty that the deceased is Richard Wright," said medical examiner Dr. Amanda Gein.
"I don't actually know what his face looked like since all of the photos in his home had the head blacked out with marker," Dr. Gein continued. "But I'll say this, based on what I've seen the world has lost an unbelievably hot guy. I would have given him those digits in a second. Hell, any straight woman would. God only knows why he'd waste it all by smashing his skull into a fine paste."
Local Man Triumphant in Global Warming Denial
Bizarro Atlanta, GA (BP)- When it comes to the topic of climate change, Jim Robinson, 62, isn't afraid to speak his mind. The Facebook page for WATL-TV News is his favorite forum of all.
On an article about shrinking glaciers:
"IT'S NATERAL!!!!! libtards and demonrats want us to forgot the ice age! it gets cold and then hot again that is the way god made the earth and that is how it is IDIOTS!"
On an article about declining polar bear populations:
"BS...i read an atical [Editor's note: He does not read anything.] about how there is more polar bares than EVER in HISTORY. OBUMMER can't convince me otherwise."
And on an article about a local spelling bee winner:
"how do you spel global warming? L-I-E YOU LIE OBOMBA."
"I know what I know," said Robinson, sitting in front of his yellowed CRT monitor. "This global warming nonsense is just another plan to kill jobs and put people on welfare. Besides, trees eat carbon nioxide (sic). Liberals won't just hug the trees, they'll starve 'em too. Ain't that some shit?"
The consistent failure of Facebook debaters and estranged family members to recognize these common sense principles is a source of endless frustration for "Jim-Rob". But August 8, 2013 was the day that changed everything. Like the mapping of the human genome and the accidental creation of the potato chip, Jim Robinson had something that would altar the course of human civilization.
"I checked the Weather Channel like I always do, and then I saw it. 83 degrees, eff. You know what it was last week? 93 degrees EFF! How in the hell is the globe warmin' when you're losing ten degrees on one Monday and it was so hot on the the other? Checkmate!"
Robinson's gnarled fingers began a flurry of activity, his eyes bright with renewed vigor and fervor. A letter to the editor is made and sent to every major paper's editorial section, all of which are saved in Robinson's Outlook address book. Emails are forwarded to ever child, grandchild, niece, nephew, and even Jim's gay brother who lives in Fresno with his friend Enrique (Enrique also received an email). Naturally, WATL-TV received a heaping helping of home-grown science wizardry as well.
"Feel like I'm walking on the damn moon," beamed Robinson. "You can't argue with something as plain as the nose on your face."
And nobody did. With no replies to his emails and no response from the commentators over on Facebook, his opponents had been forced into a contemplative silence. To top it off, the "Atlanta Coupon Megapack" publication printed his editorial.
"I've spent so many years being angry at just about every damn thing there is," said Robinson. "But now I feel this incredible peace. I think I can finally start living again."
New Children's Show Prepares Kids for a New Age
Bizarro Media Bureau- The adventures of Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are designed to teach children new vocabulary words, social skills, and conflict resolution. But if "Nick and Blue's Braver New World" sounds like your paint-by-numbers kid's show, a look at its engaging futuristic world will leave the cynics speechless.
After viewing an exclusive sneak-peek of the pilot episode, we're already massive fans. And now, here's a ticket to the hypetrain to a "Braver New World".
Nick and Blue are two cheerful (if not slightly bleary-eyed) children growing up in a dystopian future designed to emulate America as it will appear decades from now. This is accomplished by an extensive consultation with speculative-fiction scholars, sociologists, and respected political analysts.
"This isn't like those silly 'kitchens of the future' from the 40's that predicted robot dogs and self-cleaning ovens that actually cleaned themselves," said political science professor Harvey Watson, a consultant for the show. "This is a highly precise depiction of the way things will be, and how children can adapt."
In the capitol of the United States of Wal-Martica, Kochington DC, best friends Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are on their way to school when they encounter a creek of foamy grey sludge flowing across their path.
"Oh no!" cries Nick. "We've got to get across before school begins, or the police will tase us in the spinal cords again!"
"But is it safe to walk through this liquid?" asked Blue before turning to the camera. "Hey kids, can you help us sing the 'OSHA Song?'"
This marks the first of several catchy musical segments, which invites children to sing along.
If it's yellow and smells,
All is well!
Because you see,
It's just pee!
If it's black and on fire,
You'll soon expire!
Your lungs will boil
Near spilled crude oil
And if the fluid that you find is gray,
Tell an adult and then stay far away!
If heavy metal spillage hits your skin,
Your health insurance is voided by this,
Car-cin-o-gen!
So heed our words,
You can't go wrong
When you sing
The OSHA song!
"Gosh, this looks like seepage containing heavy metals," gasps Nick. "But what's a car-cin-o-gen again?"
Vocabulary words are introduced by the word appearing on the screen, segmented by syllables to aid enunciation.
"It's anything that can give you cancer, Nick! But remember, if someone offers you a full list of common carcinogens that Job Creators dump into the drainage system you have to turn them in to the police right away! They're Anarchist operatives!"
"Braver New World" teaches children about upcoming laws and how to respect authority figures that are there to protect them. President Dick Cheney the Everlasting, along with his best friends in the mercenary police forces and national security agencies, help Nick and Blue thwart the evil forces of whistleblowers, union members, and godless European socialists. Virtues such as good citizenship are introduced through strong confident, autocratic law enforcers and--of course--the joy of music.
Uncle Cheney loves us all the most,
His three hearts swell with love!
He keeps an eye on all of us,
With drones that fly above!
Be sure not to miss the premiere that's set to air on CSPAN Kids August 17th at 8:00 AM Eastern!*
*Failure to comply increases your risk assessment measurement in the PRISM algorithm by 10.4 TU (Terror Units).
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