Washington Demands Less TP on TV

Bizarro Washington, DC (BP)- Toilet paper moguls squared off today against a committee of top lawmakers who want to see the industry's "dirty" advertisements wiped away.

"The other day I saw a juvenile cartoon bear walking around with pieces of toilet paper adhering to his posterior," said Darrell Issa (R-CA). "We know what's making that paper stick to him, just as much as you know that I'm trying to eat dinner while you're airing this obscenity!"

The hearing was short on questions, and long on condemnations as political elites stood in line to take a swipe at the wipes. Representatives of Charmin seemed confused about the whole affair.

"Consumers love cheeky marketing," said Charmin spokesman Dio Reya. "Our customers know that when you're dropping the brown, you'll want Charmin around!"

"Christ, is there a way you can avoid doing that when I'm in earshot?" exclaimed Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-OH)

Among the probed was Georgia Pacific, whose Quilted Northern tissue spots were difficult for the officials to absorb.

"You've got this kid holding your product and talking about 'never leaving pieces behind'. I've been around awhile, and that has never been something I've encountered," said Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA).

"What can I say, sir?" replied marketing manager Ghotta F. Art. "When the dingleberry's stickin', it's Northern you'll be pickin'!"

A recess was declared.

"I can't believe these people. They're sadists," said a young intern in attendance.

With great reluctance, the hearing reconvened. The final topic of discussion was the wet wipe, a product that the toiletry industry was pushing hard. However, this line of questioning did not last long. 

"Wet wipes are revolutionizing the world of personal hygiene," said Reya. "I mean, when you're trying to get peanut butter out of a carpet, you're not going to use a dry rag!"

And with that, the legislators had their fighting spirit flushed. The hearing was adjourned after the manufacturers agreed to a fraction of the committee's requests.

-The patriarch of the Charmin Bears will no longer rub his face into the family's toilet paper roll while moaning. 

-"Pieces left behind" are not a thing. The commercials will continue with a disclaimer warning parents that checking their child's posterior for the aforementioned "pieces" would look very bad if relayed to a law enforcement official.

-The phrase "enjoy the go" is retired. If the happiest moments of your life are spent on the toilet, it's time to reevaluate your life.