Bizarro Fort Meade, MD (BP)- Bradley Manning was awarded the Crying Bald Eagle Medal of Liberty today for his outstanding cover-up work for the Department of Defense.
Colonel Denise Lind announced the findings of an internal review before a crowd of Manning's supporters.
"We find that Bradley Manning, an intelligence analyst for the United States Army, has consistently prevented damaging information from being made public. The prestigious decoration bestowed on Private First-Class Manning is a small gesture of our gratitude. Your nation thanks you, sir."
During the darkest days of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, journalists hounded infantrymen, pilots, and officers for the details of how American tax dollars were being spent and what progress was being made. Suddenly, the Abu Ghraib scandal exploded into the public consciousness.
"Our men and women serving in that prison were pioneers in the field of torture," said former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "They were truly masters of agony, sculptors of screaming flesh. We were extremely upset that we got caught."
As the sordid photos and stories began to dominate media coverage, journalists found themselves convinced that there was more skeletons in the Pentagon's closet. And they were right.
In the shadowy interior of the military intelligence nerve center, Private First-Class Bradley Manning was in the center of it all.
"We had a close call every other day," said Manning. "Reuters was acting all pissy because one of our Apaches turned some of their employees into giblets. And I'm like, 'If a lady doesn't want to get assaulted, she shouldn't dress like a slut. And if a reporter doesn't want to get shredded by depleted Uranium rounds, he shouldn't walk outside in Iraq.' It's easy to understand."
Pictured: Manning poses next to a still from a video civilian scum don't need to worry about
Exposure of war crimes, journalist executions, and casual child murder would have soured international relations. Even worse, leaks had the potential to expose powerful locals cooperating with American interests--an offense that both Al Qaeda and the Taliban punished with extreme severity.
Captain Angel Overgaard, the man responsible for cataloging Manning's achievements, spoke about his relief when he heard the list of collaborators was safe.
"We've got a lot of powerful warlords in the region that have been more than willing to work with us, for some reason. Private Manning pulled their asses from the fire; maybe literally."
In exchange for their continued safety, the warlords have promised to discontinue heroin production and disarm after terrorism is defeated.
"We love American!" said Sectarian Deathlord Ghufran "Blood Baron" Samara. "I am taking the night classes for accounting. When terrorism is defeated, we shall go get honest employment."
According to exciting new reports, terrorism is on the ropes thanks to the efforts of soldiers like Manning. The Pentagon issued a press release last week suggesting that it had compelling information about the whereabouts of Fort Terror--a hidden compound where all terrorism is manufactured. Current Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel hints that the rumors are true.
"We're confident that the American flag will soon fly over Fort Terror," said Hagel at a briefing in late May. "The world will surely see what we stand for when that happens."
As for Manning, the analyst has been reassigned to a senior consultant position in the War on Drugs.
"I've got a hell of a lot of work ahead of me," said Manning after the ceremony. "But nobody covers up atrocities like me. I hope my name becomes synonymous with the act someday."
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