BIZARRO DETROIT, MI (BP)- Governor Rick Snyder stunned the nation with shocking news from the city of Bizarro Detroit.
"I think it's time to face facts. We've got too much money," said an exasperated Snyder.
The problem has been looming despite the city's best efforts. As the treasury began to swell due to the incredible popularity of General Motors vehicles and a constant influx of skilled labor.
A quick fix to the overflowing coffers was to upgrade every aspect of the city's infrastructure to mimic the most efficient and advanced systems of transit, data transmission, and public works in the world. But this tactic lead to embarrassment for officials at every level. Bizarro Detroit was now the best possible place to do business in a way that was mathematically quantifiable. China outsourced--colonizing vast expanses of B.D. real estate. The explosive increase in revenue lead to a Chinese economic boom, compounding their industrial sector growth by leaps and bounds.
Bizarro Detroit tactics became more extravagant and desperate as the sprawling metropolis expanded. Streets were paved with adamantium, making potholes impossible. Police officers were given large caches of money to carry in their patrol Hummers so that instead of arresting criminals they could offer them large sums of money to leave the city.
"I was robbing liquor stores to finance my crack habit," said former Bizarro Detroit resident Ima T. Weaker."One day a cop busts me making a score, but get this; he hands me a bigass suitcase full of cash and told me it was all mine if I left. 'Hell yes," is what I said. In Houston now, and I've graduated to cocaine. I get it DELIVERED."
As the crime rate dropped to unprecedented rates, bored police officers began taking night classes in courses in order to join the exalted ranks of Bizarro Detroit's "Silicone Sector", or to build GM's burgeoning line of hovercars.
"I actually got a liberal arts degree," said Lt. Pablo Monet. "Sure, I can sculpt phallic statuettes now, but there's not a goddamn thing I can do with it professionally. And that's the amazing part. I got it just to get it."
Today, the situation came to a head. As money began to literally overflow from the city treasury and rain down on disinterested residents, President Obama received an call he had hoped would wait for the next administration.
"I'm monitoring this situation," President Obama said in a hastily assembled press conference. "There have been talks about using their surplus funds to finance a war with Canada. I think we can take Ontario, at least."
As federal and city officials convene, Bizarro Detroit has begun the clean-up process. Public works officials were seen scooping the runaway cash into dump trucks for disposal at the space-age city recycling center.
"We don't want this crap getting into the storm drains or--God forbid--[Lake] St.Clair or Erie. God knows where these things have been," said B.D. Public Works Supervisor Blue Calard.
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