Americans Check Privilege

Bizarro White House (BP)- President Obama, during an unannounced statement to the press, discussed his perspective on race and justice in a very candid way; prompting millions of Americans to check their privilege.

According to Tumblr's "Encyclopedia of Social Justice", checking one's privilege requires a methodical review of the special advantages society does or does not grant you. Determining the extent of your privilege allows a person to approach matters involving race relations, crime, education, and poverty from an enlightened perspective.

"Before I done considered my privilege, I was awful mad about affirmative action takin' all my jobs away. 'Employment should be based on how good ya' are!' I always thought," said white Alabama resident Clem Metherson. "But then I realized even if a black feller had the same skills I got, or even if he was better than me, he was statistic'ly less likely to ever get the job."

Pundits are taking to the cable networks to express their astonishment. Bill O'Reilly, who had devoted much of his recent airtime to lamenting black on white crime, began his show by slamming his forehead into his desk in an act of self-flagellation.

"How could I have been such a tool?" O'Reilly cried. "Black Americans were enslaved and denied an education. Then they were separated into poorer neighborhoods, forced to attend poorer schools, and prohibited from jobs white people believed were above their station."

Geraldo Rivera, who clearly remained unchecked, shot back, "The Civil Rights act put a stop to all that decades ago!"

O'Reilly bitchslapped the man and grabbed him by the tie. "You listen to me, you greasy Douchelord! That didn't make racism magically vanish overnight. They had to desegregate schools at gunpoint for Christ's sake. Wherever there's poverty, there's more crime. And guess who engineered that poverty? Guess who's making sure it continues? Guess who's the first to complain about the consequences of the agenda they're actively promoting? Shitstains. Like. You."

On the streets of minority communities, the discussions didn't run quite as hot. Residents embraced and gathered in churches to sing upbeat hymns in celebration. Outside of a synagogue, gay Jewish black man Jim Goldstein was elated.

"I've had a dozen people come up to me and express their sincerest sympathies in the last hour alone," said Goldstein. "And on top of that, I got a few good job interviews lined up. Oy, this is fabulous!"

The Justice Department has promised to review thousands of convictions in light of this new understanding about the way shit is.