Local Man Isn't Such a Badass After Fatal Shooting

Bizarro Tyler, TX (BP)- A local shit-talker is looking like a complete tool after getting his face blown off while confronting a visitor. Neighbors say that the cantankerous asshole will not be missed.

"Our children were afraid to go outside, and we were afraid to let them play and be children," said Francine Wilkes, who lives next door with her husband and two sons. "He made us feel like hostages in our own home."

Grant Faddy, 54, ruled his property with an iron fist. His lawn was festooned with hand-written signs with phrases like "I DON'T TRUST THE LIBERAL MEDIA" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE DOUBLE-TAPPED" scrawled on them in jagged, child-like writing. Faddy was known to patrol his property, shooting mercilessly at anything that moved. Prior to his death, he killed three stray dogs, ten stray cats, two escaped pet dogs, and thirty buzzards that made came to dine on the carcasses. State law permits property owners to use deadly force on any unauthorized trespasser; including domestic animals.

"I'm a proud patriot, I'm a proud American!" shouted Faddy during a civil case involving the shooting of a bird dog that had wandered onto his property after leaving a nearby hunting camp. "You threaten my property, I'll exercise my rights as an American to employ my counter-terrorist tactical training with a prejudice!"

There is no record of Faddy receiving any training after dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming a strip club bouncer.

Using the handle PatriotGFadd, Faddy posted on countless websites about his distrust of the "Obama regime" and his violent fantasies torture fantasies in response to virtually every crime reported in Tyler. His delusional, self-important life came to a dramatic conclusion when he was visited by a pair of Amish teenagers looking for give him a bag full of freshly harvested potatoes from their father's field as a gesture of kindness.

"Francine called to me from the living room, saying that the Amish boys from down the road were riding up Faddy's drive," said Francine's husband Richard Wilkes. "I told her to call the police, and I grabbed my camera. Something big was about to happen."

The two lads approached the house to complete their goodwill gesture when Faddy appeared in a window, firing sporadically at the two while shouting "RAHOWA!"

"Thank God he was such a shitty shot," said Tyler police officer Lt. Conway Masterson. "And thank God that Amish kid wasn't."

Little did Faddy know, the eldest of the brothers had a lever-action rifle slung over his shoulder from varmint hunting earlier that day. The boy slung the weapon to his shoulder and fired a fatal shot directly through Faddy's face. After reviewing the neighbor's video and statements from witnesses, police have determined that charges will not be filed against the Amish boys. As for the Amish community, they have opted to forgive the man for endangering their children.

"It is God's will that we forgive trespasses, and so we do so gladly," said community elder Ezra Hess. "Besides, seeing that guy get his bitch face capped warms my soul."

Amen to that, Ezra. Amen to that.