How to Talk About Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation: A Guide

Bizarro Post Family Bureau- With the revelation that Ariel Castro died with a noose on his neck and a dong in his hand, families are left to wonder how to discuss this peculiar topic in a way that is both sensitive to young psyches, but honest enough to satisfy curiosity. Address your audience in a calm, measured tone and always speak with confidence, even as you imagine the obese Castro swinging from his prison window with various bodily fluids pooled beneath him due to postmortem muscle relaxation.

"Kids, first of all you have to know that mommy/daddy/new mommy/new daddy/misc.legal guardian love you very much/enjoy your company/tolerate you every other weekend. At school, you might hear your friends talking about Ariel Castro, and how he died while pleasuring himself and asphyxiating. This is called auto-erotic asphyxiation. It's the same thing that killed the guy from Kill Bill, and the INXS vocalist. You see, when a man feels that he has experienced the full spectrum of the human experience and can't stand the idea that they will never climb higher, they visit a website where they hear about the benefits of asphyxiation. And sometimes, just like daddy/my life partner Pedro, they fall asleep afterwards and forget to not strangle themselves to death.

It would be ideal if you would abstain from auto-erotic asphyxiation until you've reached the age where you've seen all there is to see and just don't give a shit anymore. Many people choose to do this anyway. Perhaps even someone you know. If that person happens to be you, all I ask is that you practice safe asphyxiation. Never tether yourself to an object that can hold your weight in the even that you pass out. Devise a quick-release mechanism if things get out of hand (no pun intended, dear). And consider using the buddy system for added safety. There are plenty of nice people on Craigslist who would be happy to help!

If you have any questions, I want you to know that you can always come to me/your social worker/the homeless man with psychic powers that sees your true potential when nobody else does."