Bizarro Guests: Check THIS Privilege!

Bizarro Post Edgy Libertarian Bureau- What do you suggest I do about my privilege, you bottom-feeding degenerates?

I'm so sick of feeling persecuted every time someone brings up student loans,because I feel this obligation to lie about struggling to find a decent job or (UGGGHHHH) working for the government. The truth of the matter is, I'm a persecuted minority who is forced to hide his identity like Anne Frank had to hide her Jewyness from the National SOCIALIST Party. I know your pain, Anne! I would pray for you, but I'm an atheist and also you don't deserve free prayers that you didn't earn through hard work.

Like I said, I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being ashamed for being successful.

I am in graduate school and have no debts. Why? Because my Baby Boomber parents worked hard and made a ton of money. Genetically, that means I also worked hard and made that money. I mean, I didn't even want to take their charity. It was an insult to my masculinity, and even made me think about tight, sweaty manass more than usual. But I bit the bullet and took their money. God, the things I have to do just to get by.

I work hard! I work a part-time job, I babysit, and I go to school full-time. All that, and I can barely afford middle-shelf Vodka. I'm barely better than someone who drinks Burnett's! I apply to jobs every day, and look forward to my career at my father's company.

I want to stop lying about the suits I buy for my internship. I bet nobody even believes I actually inherited them from my cousin. I mean, seriously, my cousin has Armani customs that just so happen to fit me perfectly? Riiiggghttt. And I suppose Uncle Jimbob had these spotless diamond cuff-links just lying around! He didn't. Dad did. I want to be able to accept responsibility for this amazing wardrobe when I'm complimented on it. But as long as I pretend they aren't mine, I am deprived of this basic pleasure. I have the resources to have my hair professionally highlighted and my pubes shaved into dollar signs. That's all me! When am I going to get recognized for my achievements?

 And then there's my address! I have to tell all the jealous scumbags that I earned a high-rise apartment by mowing my Dad's putting green all summer! I'm not racist either, but I see the thuggish gaze my doorman gives me whenever I get a package from J.Crew and De Beers. Should have gone to graduate school instead of relying on a handout of Obamaphones and chicken or whatever it is you buy with your ill-gotten welfare checks.

Stop making me feel like I've done something wrong! Stop making me feel like I don't deserve what I earned from my parents! I didn't ask to be born into this life of affluence, so what kind of asshole would look down on me for it?

I understand a lot of you are struggling out there, but that's why McDonald's has break rooms (they have those, right?). As for me, I'm not wasteful. I'm responsible and fortunate for the resources I have. I'll respect your...hahaha..."background" if you respect the authority over you that I have rightfully earned.