Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canada) is confusing the living hell out of everyone by trying to filibuster a bill that has absolutely already been signed into law, refusing to move from the podium until he can no longer stand.
"If I knew what the hell he was doing, I'd tell you," said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "I'm not convinced he even knows what a filibuster even is. It's like if someone saw a 'Fast and the Furious' movie, jumped into their car, started racing around the streets, all the while insisting that the other motorists are racing him. It's reckless, and really just kind of sad."
Senator Cruz came prepared for his stand against Obamacare. He swapped out his usual go-to diaper for a high capacity Depends Heavy Doody model. To stave off boredom, Cruz also brought children's books, a fistful of Hotwheels, and a Gameboy Advance. Cruz is apparently not aware that he isn't allowed to stop talking during a filibuster. Fortunately for him, this isn't even a filibuster. It's just a guy forcing CSPAN 3 to record him playing with toys and carefully sounding out words in his books.
"Obamacare is the little engine that can't," Cruz said, waving the pop-up book above his head. "It tried to choo-choo up the mountain, but it couldn't because it's not a strong train with lots of coal. Coal makes steam so the engine can go 'CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA'!"
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) was seen eating popcorn and laughing hysterically throughout the speech.
During a dramatic reading of Goodnight Moon, Cruz perked up, as if struck with an epiphany. "The moon is scary! It comes out at night, and it's sometimes really big, and witches fly across it! Obamacare is even scarier than the moon! And it has like two witches on it!"
Apparently fighting hunger pangs, Cruz's train of thought soon turned to White Castle hamburgers. After that, he bragged that his father was the inventor of green eggs and ham. Independent research has revealed that this is not the case.
Currently, Cruz has produced a small laptop and is watching Spongebob. Rules governing filibusters would forbid the senator from stopping his speech for the duration of his filibuster, but since this is not a filibuster at all, there is nothing preventing Senator Cruz from singing the F-U-N Song before the empty Senate chamber.
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