Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- I've done a lot of thinking lately. As a pundit, a person who opines professionally, it is essential that I know exactly where I stand. A pundit must be able to navigate through nuance, or ignore it entirely. But no matter what they ultimately choose, they must be consistent. We live in an era where everything we write, say, and do is recorded for all eternity. You can delete your Tweets and status updates all day long, but somebody has archived your mistake fifty times over if they want to destroy you badly enough. So, let me reiterate, it is absolutely essential that I know where I stand when it comes to all of society's most pressing issues. At last, I have come to a conclusion.
I fucking hate everyone who keeps me from getting what I want.
I want to be able to take fast food workers and retail "associates" for granted. Forcing employers to pay them a decent wage and not hold their wages hostage during political battles would force me to pay attention to them. Therefore, I do not support raising the minimum wage or the Affordable Care Act.
I want to get luxury electronic goods as cheaply as possible. Therefore, I support outsourcing to sweatshops, paying the Best Buy drones as little as possible, and I am really fucking pissed at corporations for artificially inflating the cost of these goods with micro-transactions and terrible insurance programs.
On the other hand, I work for a major corporation, and my own paycheck depends on their good will. Since a globalized market forces me to compete against sweatshops and the value of my labor is devalued to virtually nothing, I have no choice but to demand special privileges for the corporation that employs me. I hope that in doing so, they will bestow upon me enough money to allow me to feel like a man.
NO NO NO. Keep it together. You were on to something. Go back to that.
I want to satisfy my most fundamental animal needs. Therefore, I oppose pro-abstinence groups and feminist groups that want to punish my sexuality in order to glorify their own. I oppose prohibition supporters, because I want substances that make my crippling sense of self-awareness go away. I want food, so I hate the government for regulating dairies so harshly. But I want my food to be safe, so I oppose outsourcing of butchering operations and I demand strict inspection standards for the food that I consume.
NO. Stop. Just stop. I can fix this.
I....I....want to be happy....but if I'm happy, I have to take something from someone else....I have to wrest control from weaker people....and I have to spit in the face of honesty and compassion.....I just....
I want
I don't
YOU CAN HELP: We are missing a member of our pundit staff, and are offering a modest reward of one Hot Topic gift card for information leading to his return. Please hurry. The gift card expires in, like, three weeks.
No comments:
Post a Comment