Bookshelf: Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims

Bizarro Bookshelf- A work years in the making, Rush Limbaugh has finally finished his self-insert historical fanfiction, Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures.

Rush Limbaugh's avatar in this romp through time and space is Rush Revere, a svelte and swarthy colonist with a head that looks like a steamed ham wearing a powdered wig. Also, Rush Revere is the character he uses to sell his line of teas, so there's that. Rush's marketing mimic travels America, warning all he sees that, "The Liberals Are Coming!" Trivia: This is also the tagline for the popular Cinemax title "The Naily Show: With Lance Stewbeef."

Rush Revere is a substitute middle school teacher (or as they're more popularly known, "The underemployed spitball magnet who keeps making us watch Dunstin Checks In) who just so happens to own a time machine of a sort, but more on that later. Revere's disregard for physical laws places him on the deck of the Mayflower, which is the first place anyone wants to go when they enjoy dubiously legal cigars, progressive synth-rock, and Elton John.

Oh, and did I mention there's a goddamn talking horse named Liberty? Not impressed? What if I told you--SPOILER ALERT--that horse was the time machine I mentioned earlier? Awwww yeah! And even though horses are physically required to poop every five minutes, Liberty can at least warn you beforehand that you'll need a shovel in a few seconds.

"This country is made up of exceptional people and stories of rags to riches," Rush explains.

Now wait, wasn't "free market capitalism" a distant second beneath "basic survival" on the list of Pilgrim concerns? Not so! Enterprising pilgrims built lucrative businesses by attaching belt buckles to clothing that did not necessitate them. And there's that instant oatmeal guy. You know he made bank! No, you can shut up about Quakers and Pilgrims being two different things. They wear the same hats and everything! Explain that, liberal!

As for Thanksgiving, Rush Revere wants you to know the truth! You see, this first Thanksgiving is a demonstration about the failures of socialism. By exchanging food and agricultural tips, the Pilgrims and the Natives both became wealthy. I mean, if you stop and think about it, mass starvation and death by exposure to the cruel New England winters is a form of wealth since you go to Heaven afterwards. They've got golden streets, for God's sake! As for the Natives, they earned their pay too; though most of it was delivered to them in Smallpox Dollars. Not a popular item among coin collectors, incidentally.

Even though Limbaugh insists that his latest book is not partisan, he still tackles it with the same gusto that he applies to every other aspect of his life; excluding physical fitness, which was corrupted by Michelle Obama. No true patriot does cardio. That's what horses are for.

"But our president, President Obama, recently said exceptional Americans are few and far between.....And the fact is, way too many people believe it. Way too many people believe that prosperity, success, or whatever is an exception now, that it really is impossible--and it's not, folks."

There's a lot we can learn from the timeless story of the Pilgrims and the Natives. Why do you think the Native tribes all own those huge casinos? Because with a little luck and the favor of God, you can go from rags to riches playing slots. Just as Ezekial and Spirit Arrow clasped hands and formed a successful business partnership, you can join hands with a Chippewa's one-armed bandit and seek your fortune in quarters.

These are the principles that America has forgotten thanks to Socialist Communazis, and these are the principles that will capture the stunted imaginations of indoctrinated children everywhere. This book is a surefire Christmas hit, because if there's one thing children love it's reading several hundred pages of historical fiction with no wizards, no shirtless werewolves, and no turgid body parts of any kind.