Bizarro Raleigh, NC (BP)- Governor Pat McCrory signed an unprecedented new bill into law today, ending all voting in the entire state of North Carolina.
"I was thinking to myself, you know, sometimes the voters just get things wrong," said Governor McCrory after inviting the press into his newly constructed Governor's Bunker. "Why risk the public voting Republicans out of office? We're the best choice for this state and this nation. Why waste the time and money allowing people to dispute that?"
It seems highly likely that opponents of this law will take their objection all the way to the Supreme Court, where it is expected to be upheld in a 5-to-4 decision by most legal analysts.
Supporters gathered outside the North Carolina Capitol Building to lavish praise upon their no-longer-elected officials.
"I think it's real good," sad supporter Clem E. Lee. "I see those black fellers in front of the pollin' place lookin' all thugish, and I get right scared!"
When asked if he was referring to the infamous photo of two uniformed Black Panthers outside of a polling place in Philadelphia in 2008, Lee didn't seem to know what we were talking about.
"Never been to Philly, praise God," Lee replied. "Nah, this feller was wearin' a Best Buy polo and sayin' he had to hurry a'fore his shift started. 'Holder's People' think they're entitled to everything."
Lee's sentiments were echoed in a rare act of out-of-court punditry by Supreme Court Justice Anthony Scalia.
"Voting rights are just another form of racial entitlement," Scalia said while dabbing the grease from his combover. "I mean, you see all these Disney movies with enchanted kingdoms and whatnot. No fish people voted for King Triton, but it all seemed pretty nice to me. Hell, they break into song about how great it is! Seems like a no-brainer."
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