Bizarro Decatur, GA (BP)- A critical debate about mental health in America has been rekindled by Michael Brandon Hill, 20, who entered a Georgia elementary school with an AK-47.
"We have to do something, and do it now," said psychiatric expert Dr. Richard Smoker. "Society proclaimed that Sandy Hook was a call to action, but here we are again. We've learned nothing."
Fortunately, nobody was harmed during the incident, including the suspect. Shots were fired in the general direction of the police perimeter, but did not strike any of the responding officers. Despite the relatively positive outcome of this attack, mental health professionals commissioned by the Obama Administration chose to release a preliminary report today in response.
"The full report from our mental health panel is still pending, but we hope these recommendations can fuel public discourse and understanding," wrote President Obama in a brief memo included in the report.
The 50-page document is largely devoted towards analyzing rates of diagnosis and treatment for the most common mental illnesses, but there are several strategies you can use to avert a future crisis in your community.
Risk Factors:
-20-something white male.
-Physically unattractive.
-Currently attending therapy or taking medication for mental disorder.
-Officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder.
-Unusual infatuation with "Sonic the Hedgehog" or "My Little Pony".
-Participates in online dating sites.
-Primary means of social interaction are Reddit and 4chan.
-Is frequently sad, or complains of persistent loneliness.
-Has bangs that are exactly the same length.
-Wears novelty t-shirts exclusively, or monochrome polo shirts buttoned all the way up.
-Parents pretend that he's not a burden, but let's face it, they're disappointed about the way he turned out.
Prevention Strategies:
-Report this individual to the proper authorities. Be sure to document how unpleasant their existence is to you. If they have not made any specific threats, feel free to make things up. The life you save could be your own!
-Separate yourself and everyone you know from this individual. You wouldn't stand next to a lit stick of dynamite, would you? Then why would you associate yourself with a shy, lonely future psychopath? The safety of the public depends on the high-risk person's total isolation!
-Stand up against any effort by Washington elites to make medicine and treatment more affordable and accessible. Many homicidal meltdowns occur after a person has neglected to take their medication. If they never have the chance to become medicated, this will never become a problem!
-If you are a Job Creator, make sure that you don't hire any of these dangerous individuals. If they use your paycheck to purchase their illegally modified full-auto rifles and thousands of rounds in ammunition, the blood of the innocent will drench your hands forevermore (does not apply to Armed Services recruiters or licensed mercenary groups). The mentally ill belong on the streets, in the subway systems, and in secret underground cities.
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