Bizarro Business Bureau- When most people consider the phenomenon of cyber-bullying, most people think back to the tragic news stories of friendships and lives lost through constant harassment through social media. As the digital age advances, bullies have kicked off a new trend that brings old-school bullying to the lawless online frontier.
Brent Ashcroft, 15, has been a bully for as long as he can remember.
"Typical story, really. Alcoholic father, hyper-religious mother. I found a source of empowerment in putting kids down," said Brent. "One day I was reading my digital edition of 'Bully's Digest' on my smartphone during study hall, and there was this story about old-school lunch money shakedowns. I was like, damn, there's a sweet racket!"
Things have changed since the golden era of bullying. Increased security has lead to armed safety officers patrolling the halls, and surveillance cameras can provide instant evidence in bullying claims. Zero tolerance measures have expanded to include all forms of violence instead of only shooting and bomb threats. As a result, criminal prosecution is a real possibility.
"The lunch money bit isn't shrugged off like it used to be," said Brent. "You could be looking at arrest over a couple bucks. There had to be a way to change the game, and that's where the Internet came in."
Brent's plan was fiendishly simple. First, he would use conventional bullying tactics to goad his prey into a state of submission to his will. Then, instead of demanding cash money in exchange for their continued welfare, he would direct the targets to visit a website he set up with a number of anti-bullying packages to choose from. For example:
-$2.00 purchases 3-days of no threats and intimidation.
-$5.00 purchases a week of peace
-$15.00 purchases a month of zero interaction with Brent.
A VIP package is also offered for $200. Purchasing this plan will grant you complete immunity from Brent's infamous beatdowns for an entire year. Since the revenue goes to a Paypal account rather than into his pocket, there's no evidence for school resource officers to find and no footage of paper currency being forcibly taken.
"These plans are backed up by my word, and that's all they need. If I'm not fulfilling my obligations, why would anyone keep purchasing my services?" Brent explained.
It's been six months since the innovative business was launched, and the revenue is already well into the thousands. Brent has since signed an agreement with two other bullies at his school, diversifying his products by offering immunity from the attention of specific bullies on an à la carte basis.
"If we play our cards right and continue to invest in competent business-savvy bullies, I'm willing to bet I can cover my tuition for college," said Brent, grinning. "College, man. I never would have dreamed about it before all this. And now my whole future's opened up, as long as business stays strong. And it goddamn well better, or I'll stomp your bitch ass. I've got a switchblade in my boot, too. Give me a reason to pull it out, asshole. I'll fucking end you."
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