Bizarro Hershey, PA (BP)- A community is sending their thanks to a woman who refused to give Dave Matthews a ride to his show after he became stranded while riding his bicycle.
Emily Kraus and her boyfriend were on their way to attend an event that was actually interesting when they saw a man walking his bicycle down the shoulder of the road.
“Instant douche-chills,” said Kruas. “There was this balding guy walking a bike along a busy road, forcing everyone that actually had somewhere to be to swerve around him. And then my boyfriend’s like, ‘Oh God, that’s Dave Matthews isn’t it? Don’t make eye contact.’”
Emily had a better idea. She pulled to the side of the road, several yards away from the singer, and waited for him to approach.
“He was listening to something on his headphones, and the whole time he’s coming up to me he’s dancing and doing that scat-singing thing along with the music. Who even does that in public?”
The couple waited until Matthews was mere feet away from their car before speeding off, inciting the frontman to throw hackysacks at them as they pulled away.
The concert was cancelled, allowing dozens of relieved Bizarro Hershey residents to avoid really awkward and boring dates they had planned with criminally bland people out of desperation or pity. Matthews was eventually found outside of a bus station singing for change. He did not have a cell phone, as Matthews believes the 4G signal disrupts his Chi energy (ughhhhhhhhhhh).
“He sounded like an Adam Sandler character,” said Officer Brick Punchstone, who found Matthews and returned him to his handlers. “His people actually asked if I could take him back to the bus station.
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